READINGS ON GRIEF AND LOSS
Books buoy us. They lift us up, give us direction, teach us where to go and how to get there.
Each month, the Women Who Sail newsletter tackles a timely, thought-provoking topic. As book curator, I gather readings to explore each theme further. If you have book recs or feedback, or just want to chat about reading and writing, drop me a line!
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BY JANNA CAWRSE ESAREY
The season is upon us and we’re supposed to be celebrating but, for many, the holidays make wounds tender and estrangements vexing. That which has been lost is dearly missed. Add the pandemic and, while last month we acknowledged all that we’re thankful for, let’s get real: there’s also a lot to grieve right now. But what to do with feelings of grief and loss—whether about people, places, or times past—during a supposed season of joy?
Sometimes I think the best we can do is acknowledge our emotions and let them be. Years ago, a dear childhood friend lost her mother to cancer. Her father hugged her as she cried. “Hold on,” he said. “Life can be good again.” Eventually, it was.
Whether it’s through writing down your own family stories, learning to communicate across ideologies, or laughing and crying with a great work of fiction, I hope these readings help you hold all the truths this season brings you.
NONFICTION
by Anne Phyfe Palmer
This legacy journal is not nonfiction per se—but it will be when you fill it out! Plus, it makes the perfect gift for a cherished family member. Anne Phyfe Palmer, writer and yoga instructor, realized there was so much she wanted to know about her grandmother ... too late. Spurred by this loss, Palmer created a guided journal to make it easy and fun to record your life or a loved one's. From simple prompts ("Memorable furniture growing up") to fill-in-the-blanks ("My first bicycle") to introspective questions ("A time I was at a crossroads"), the journal draws out our unique stories. A meaningful gift illustrated tastefully for a woman or man, old or young.
by Tania Israel
Some of us are feeling distanced from loved ones this year, not due to physical barriers but political ones. In fact, that same childhood friend I mentioned in my intro also happens to sit opposite me politically. She and I shared emails recently, affirming our respect for each other despite this divide. Beyond Your Bubble helped me reach out to her. Psychologist Tania Israel gives readers, regardless of party, concrete strategies for communicating across the aisle. First, the author makes you question your motives: Do you honestly want to listen and learn? Or do you just want to try to convince someone else of your own point of view? Even if your goal is the latter, she says, the first step is (you guessed it) listening and learning. Beyond Your Bubble is short and to-the-point—which I viewed as a major plus during this busy time—and gave me insight into both myself and others.
MEMOIR
by Katie Arnold
On the surface this is a memoir about the ultimate test of endurance: ultra-running. I have zero interest in ultra-running. Yet I was thrilled to spend a night watch last year, crossing from the South Pacific to Hawai’i, listening to Katie Arnold tell her gorgeously-written story via audiobook. When Arnold’s dad, a National Geographic photographer, dies of cancer, her grief is mountainous; she begins to worry (irrationally it turns out) that she will die imminently, too, abandoning her two daughters. To efface—or face—her mortality and grief, she begins running greater distances, all the while asking hard questions of herself and her deceased father. The miles she covers are difficult and gorgeous and worth every step.
by Bonnie J. Rough
In this short-and-sweet Kindle Single (perfectly bite-sized for the holidays and one of Amazon's “Best of 2015”), the author and her friend vacation in one of the unhappiest places on earth: Estonia. While searching for information about her great great grandmother, Bonnie Rough reflects on women's roles past and present. As Rough drives down rutted roads and wanders through arid fields, we begin to wonder who, exactly, is alone: the girls on their vacation? the great great grandmother? women as a whole? or the writer, trying to find meaning? A tale vividly told, pleasantly paced, and with just the right mix of observation, rumination, and humor, perfect for contemplating places and people lost to us when we can’t travel down those distant roads ourselves. (Plus, pinkies! You’ll laugh at the pinkies!)
FICTION
by Angie Thomas
The Hate U Give is a YA (young adult) novel my daughter recommended. It was excellent. A fast-paced read for both teens and adults. When Starr Carter’s childhood friend Khalil is shot in an all-too-routine traffic stop by a police officer, their community erupts in protest. But across town at her prep school, where Starr is one of few African-American students, Khalil is being called a drug dealer (which he was) and a thug (which is what exactly?)—as though either could justify his murder. Through her grief, Starr must decide what to do about the fact that Khalil wasn’t alone when he died; he had a star witness in the car with him. But what do you do when coming forward will turn your life upside down—and won’t bring back the life that’s already been lost?
by Stephanie Kallos
In Sing Them Home, three siblings reunite for their father's funeral amid the Welsh mourning traditions of their small Nebraska town. They also grieve the long-ago loss of their mother, Hope, who went up in a tornado and never came down. Kallos draws three fresh, nuanced characters, as well as the quirky folk of this down-and-out but culturally rich town. Add to that a chorus of the dead—this thread was one of my favorite touches—and you've got a whole world (or two) to lose yourself in. Plus, if you get it on audiobook (e.g. via libro.fm, which supports independent booksellers), the narration delivers strong, distinct voices that are a joy to listen to.
POETRY, ESSAYS, SHORT STORIES
by Shel Silverstein
We all have our morning routines: Some people exercise. Some pray or meditate. Some gaze blearily into their coffee/newspaper/smartphone. My mom sits by the window and reads poetry aloud. So, when I asked her for an uplifting reading recommendation about grief and loss, she suggested an odd but old family standby: Shel Silverstein. He is the master of capturing the absurd realities of life (good, bad, ugly) while making you snort with laughter. Plus, for many of us, Where the Sidewalk Ends brings back memories of long-lost childhoods and family togetherness. No home is properly equipped without it.
SAILING CORNER
by Janet Stevenson
A Women Who Sail reader named Nancie emailed me recommending Departure, a novel by Janet Stevenson. Nancie writes, “The story takes place in the mid 1850s about a young woman, Amanda Bright, who accompanies her captain/husband on a merchant ship out of Boston bound for the Far East. During the voyage he becomes extremely ill and she assumes command knowing nothing about navigation, sailing or how to manage a crew. The story follows her struggles and her ability to overcome them. It's a wonderful story of empowerment. I loved it!” I loved it, too! I read it years ago on our first cruise across the Pacific. I include it here because, in the end, what’s lost is not their lives or the ship, as you expect, but something else entirely. Plus, if you have book recommendations like Nancie’s, please send them my way—especially books about sailing and the water.
janna cawrse esarey
Janna is a sailor, author, and speaker focusing on helping people pursue B-HAGs: big, hairy, audacious goals. She is an Integrated Life Advocate with ThirdPath, an organization that helps folks redesign work and home to make time for life. Janna’s first book, The Motion of the Ocean, is about how she sailed across the Pacific on her honeymoon and is still married. She’s working on a new memoir about how navigating modern parenthood is more perilous than sailing the Arctic with kids (she’s tried, and sort of failed at, both). Janna lives with her husband and two daughters on an island near Seattle where she is also a school bus driver. More at saildogbark.com.
FROM WOMEN WHO SAIL NEWSLETTER | ISSUE 5. | DECEMBER 2020.